Riding the chairlift to the Japanese version of Hollywood.
Yes, Tom has produced a new video of Japanese skiing (see below), but that’s not the reason for our newfound stardom.
The skiing and acting skills of Tommy and myself earned us a major part in a Japanese feature film. Come June, we’ll be hitting the silver screen as torch wielding skiers, captivated fireworks watchers and post-ski-day skiers. Tommy was even handpicked by the movie crew to lead the fire line.
Kate deserves all the credit for discovering our talent. She learned of an opportunity for Western skiers to appear in (aka star in) a Japanese movie, and signed us up. Alas for Kate and Katja, the Japanese didn’t want any female Western skiers. Just us manly men. Of course, I wanted to look good, so with my big screen debut approaching, I figured it was time to clean up my scraggly beard and rock the ‘stache.
Me looking good while Tom tries to take a picture of the guy we thought was the director (flashy red coat man)
We really had no idea what to expect with the film. We were told we would be part of a torchlight ski parade and paid 10,000 yen (about $120) for our troubles. So after a day of relaxing and eating birthday pancakes in the lodge, we waited for a cab to bring us to the nearby resort of Tsugaike for the film. We were skeptical to begin with, but when the cab was late picking us up, we grew even more dubious. But the taxi did eventually come, and was already paid for. That’s the star treatment, alright.
At Tsugaike we met up other groups of Westerners (Canadian, French and two Aussies) who were equally clueless. We rode a lift to a lodge, where we finally found out the plot of the movie. In “Andalucia,” a Japanese detective vacations to a Spanish ski resort, uncovers some sort of crime and eventually returns to Japan. Clearly a frontrunner Best Foreign Film at the next Oscars.
Me blinking (and still looking good) while taking a picture with the guy who we later determined was not the director
Anyway, on to the more important stuff about how Tommy and I became big stars. Inside the lodge, everyone went through a screening process. One girl (there were a handful of women, not sure why Kate and Katja couldn’t star as well) in snowboard boots was booted. Next came the question, “Who can ski with torches in both hands?” Tom and I were the first to respond affirmatively. Soon enough, the 40 or so of us Western skiers were led outside and had to hike up the hill about 80 yards to the starting point for the torchlight ski parade. We were asked, “Has anyone skied with torches before?” Tom and I instantly confirmed that we had in fact skied with torches before (the truth doesn’t matter in Japanese Hollywood). I then positioned myself to lead the line during rehearsal, but at the last moment a Russian bastard cut in front of me. But karma had her way, and the Russian bastard screwed up the route downhill (turn at this guy, turn at that guy) and was sent to the back of line.
At that point, fate took over. Tom had skied the perfect route, and the movie crew came up to him, pointing.
“Hai, hai, hai!” A translator explained that Tom-san was to lead the ski line. So, after a dinner break for the crew (we were sent back to the lodge to sit around and waste time), we donned bright pink ponchos, grabbed two torches and hiked back up to the starting point. Tom-san at the front of the line, Mustachioed Greg just behind him. We held out our torches, which were doused in kerosene and set aflame, given the “Action!” call and pointed our skis downhill in a slow, slow snowplow.
We don't know where or what Snow Wonder Land is, but we got to keep the ponchos
Not slow enough, however. Tom-san blew it, skiing too fast for the director, and we had to hike back up the 80 yards to the starting point. Many a grumble from the out-of-shape Western skiers who expected the 10,000 yen to come easy. They’ll never make it big in Japanese Hollywood.
Canadian guy playing with torches
Japanese film crew dousing the torches
This time, torches alight, the parade went smoothly. On to scene number 2.
The first 10 of us in line remained in poncho costume, while the rest of the line took off their ponchos and became the audience. Four or five more takes of us skiing past the cheering audience. And since we were acting Spanish, we had to yell. “Yarrrrrrrrrriiiiibbbbaaa yarrrriiiiiibbaaaaa, AAIE AIE AIE AIE!!!!” “Speeeedy Gonzalez!!!!!!” “HOLA HOLA HOLA HOLA!!!!” Yep, we hammed it up. Tom was even mic’d up.
Scene 3: The fireworks display. Us ski stars got rid of our ponchos for our second role of the evening, attendees at the Festival de neu i foc (Spanish for the Festival of Fire, supposedly). We gathered in a circle around a 360-degree rotating video camera and were told to ooh and aahh at the (fake) fireworks display bursting overhead. We stood. We ooohed. We aaahhed. One person (or maybe many people) looked directly at the camera. We had another take. We were told we didn’t ooh and aaahhh enthusiastically enough. We all ooohed and aahhed and shouted and high-fived and acted waaaayyyyy too excited about a fake fireworks display. We confirmed our earlier belief that this movie will be absolutely terrible. Except for the appearances of Tom and I. Those will be amazing.
Spanish fire festival on a Japanese ski mountain
Scene 4: Grab our skis off the ski rack after the festival and walk back to the hotel. Way too many takes of this.
“Andalucia” comes out in June, in Japan and maybe Spain. If you can get your hands on it, you have a chance to see the next two great American actors to come out of Japan.
And for all our troubles, we did in fact earn 10,000 yen cash.
Cash money
